I hate the ups and downs of relationships. I've still been seeing Brandon, but I texted him to see if he wanted to do something on Friday. He said he needed to do house stuff. Other than one little screenshot and a quick comment, we haven't texted since then. It's now Sunday. I mean I know I could just text him, but I have this issue where I feel like I'm being a nuisance when I text people too much. Like I'm missing a key signal that they don't actually want to see me anymore. When I feel this way, I tend to shut down. So I haven't texted him, and he hasn't bothered to text me. And it's Sunday. And... I don't know what to think. All I know is that when he doesn't text me, it makes me think that he hasn't thought about me at all, and then I get very depressed. My emotions are so volatile whenever I am in this weird limbo area of not knowing exactly how someone feels about me. When we are together, I am so fucking high on him. And then there's this crushing silence that makes me question everything about myself.

I am so fucking tired of feeling like this. I am so tired of never feeling like enough. I am fully aware that this is most likely just in my head... but then what if it's not? What do I do? I don't know how to do this part. Very few of my relationships lately have made it past this part.

What if I'm just not meant to ever have a lasting relationship? What if I am the opposite of an acquired taste? What if I am alone forever? I don't want my relationship status to define my own happiness, but I can't help but feel hopeless about my future. Like what is the fucking point? Why am I trying so hard to convince myself that I am happy?

The highs and lows are so fucking exhausting. Sometimes I feel like relationships are not worth the emotional rollercoaster that I inevitably end up on. The lows are just so goddamn low.

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