It's funny. I always tell people that the best things happen when you're not even looking for them. I never have good dates when I'm actively trying to find someone worthwhile. It's too forced or something, I don't know. But I talked to this guy on Hinge for a bit... but our conversations were like the kind where each reply took 1-2 days. Wasn't bad conversation, just very typical weeding out the riffraff kind of stuff. He asked to meet up with me last Wednesday (he figured we could either celebrate the election or commiserate), so we met up in Zilker Park at 4pm. He was definitely cuter than his pictures, and just as nerdy/cute as I'd hoped he'd be. Our conversation kind of just immediately was effortless and we got along really well. We stayed past sunset and into the dark. And eventually got quite friendly.... in the middle of the park. Hah. Cannot say that's ever happened before.

Anyways... I saw him again this last Monday. We got some food and then went back to his house. And shit. I very rarely am able to orgasm during sex, and DEFINITELY never during penetration. Well. Let's just say that I approve. I think he might actually win the title of the best sex I've ever had. Shit. It was unexpected.

So needless to say, I'm am absolutely infatuated. I didn't expect to feel this strongly about anyone in just two dates. I haven't really had these feelings about anyone in so fucking long and I really don't know how to be cool about it. I think the last person I was even remotely excited about was Nate, but he was a prick. Before that was Patrick. I really liked Patrick, but he "wasn't looking for a relationship". Whatever. We still talk, but I haven't seen him in two years.

But this guy.... his name is Brandon. He's really fucking cute, he's really sweet and disarmingly honest with me, he's got his shit together, he bought his house and has two cars, he's extroverted and does shit with his life (I'm an extroverted introvert, so I need someone to push me to do things), he's a total nerd but regarding things that are actually interesting. He's just the right amount of hipster and knows how to make fun of himself for it. He's really funny and makes me laugh. For some reason, he seems to be quite into me. My self-deprecating subconscious won't allow me to understand what he might like about me, but he doesn't seem to mind that I'm not skinny or blonde or whatever people always seem to like. He makes me feel beautiful. He makes me feel desirable. I haven't really felt either of those things lately.

As much as I want to just fall head first down this rabbit hole, I'm just the slightest bit scared. What if this doesn't end well? I will be devastated. I know we've only seen each other twice, but somehow he feels so familiar. Like this is how it's supposed to be. I haven't felt like that in so long. I don't want to get ahead of myself and end up feeling like I lost something that I never had.

I love/hate this part.

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