Some days, I really just don't see any light anymore. I had a brief glimpse of what a happy life could be like in these first few weeks of knowing Brandon, but we've had some issues lately. I don't feel confident that this will last, even if we manage to work through this bit. I was on a high these first few weeks, and now I'm going through such a fucking low... and I'm finding it really hard to keep pushing through. All I do is lay in bed and mindlessly scroll through Instagram. The only things that still bring me a tiny bit of joy in my life are my dogs and my plants, but I don't even have the energy to deal with them some days.

An old coworker of mine from San Antonio unexpectedly died the other day. People I know are having family members test positive and do really poorly. I just feel like the horrors of the world are just closing in on me, and I can't fucking see anything else. I've been tearing up a lot the last few days, which I don't usually do. I am hungry, but just don't want to eat. I don't want to do anything.

So I've made an appointment with a PCP for Thursday. I'm going to ask her to put me on some Wellbutrin or an SSRI. I just need something to help me not feel so fucking crazy with the highs and lows. I really just can't anymore. I just feel like everything I do requires so much energy that I don't have. I don't know how to do this anymore.

I'm afraid that I will never be happy. I hate that my happiness is always linked with my relationship status, but what the fuck else in life is there to be happy about? I really do feel like it's the end of the world... and if it is, what's the point in even trying anymore?

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