I'm updating here because my other online journal is down right now, and I really want someone to know.

A good friend and coworker of mine died this past Tuesday night, June 3rd. She had been in our hospital for about two months, finally had a long awaited surgery, did well at first, and then ended up going septic and coding. Nobody told me what was happening while it happened, so I found out too late. I feel so sad that I didn't get to say goodbye to her. I am going to her funeral next week, so I guess that's my way to say goodbye, but I really wish I could have seen her one last time. I'm so sad she's gone. I was not super close to her before, but while she was hospitalized, I tried to visit her after my shifts whenever I could. We chatted a lot and I really got to see how wonderful of a person she really was. I feel so bad that I wasn't able to do more for her. She died on our unit. I guess at least it was as close as she could get to home. I just pray to God that she didn't know what was happening and didn't have to suffer at all. She was so scared of dying.

It is all so surreal. I feel like tomorrow I will wake up and find it was all just a dream. I feel like she could just be on vacation or out sick and will be coming back to work in a few weeks. I was only just waving at her as I walked past her room last week. I didn't go in to say hi because I was in a rush, then just didn't feel like staying late to talk to her because I was exhausted. Turns out, that was the last interaction I would ever have with her. I wish I went in to say hi.

A few weeks before all this, we had thrown a party for her in one of the unused areas of the hospital. She gave me $60 in cash to help pay for the food I bought for the party. I tried to tell her I didn't need her money, but she was adamant. I finally put it in my wallet telling myself I'd give it back to her later one day. On Tuesday morning, I wondered to myself why I was still holding on to that money. I used it to pay for a pack of cigarettes. The significance of this bit is that Mary was a pretty heavy smoker and thoroughly enjoyed it. It was only fitting that her money would go toward my partaking in one of her favorite pass times on the morning of the day she would die. It was a salute to her without even realizing it.

I miss her so much.

< < / > >